Think back to chemistry class in high school…  Remember what happens when you add water to magnesium?  Hint:  KAHBLOOIE!  The same can be said about little kids and all the wonderful technology that we have at our fingertips.  Google “children and technology” and you’ll get lots of interesting articles about stunting brain growth, decreased social interaction or “limiting screen time.”  That is all great and wonderful, but in real life, those are the least of your concerns.  Just like nobody ever warns you that you might poop on the delivery table when giving birth (consider yourselves warned, aspiring mommies), there isn’t anyone looking out for our sanity when it comes to our children and the latest technology, either.

Until now.  This is where I swoop in to save the day!  Allow me to plow the way so you may learn from my mistakes.  My top three Tot/Tech Pitfalls are, in no particular order:

1. Spotify or Your iPod – Sure, it is funny when someone else’s kid whips out a naughty word in public, but when your kid busts out “I’m Sexy and I Know it” during story time at the library?  Not so much.  But that isn’t even the half of it.  Thank GOD we were at home when Finn decided he’d spout off the words to “Rack City” at the top of his lungs.  I’ll spare you the gory details, but its a lot of the word “bitch” and a less-than-tender name for mammaries.  If I wouldn’t want Finn to say it in front of my grandmother, I try to wait and pop in the ear buds during my walk. (BTW, if you don’t know what Spotify is, check it out here.  It’s actually the bomb-diggity.)

2. Your Phone – My kid can work it better than I can, I swear.  Whether that means he can forward all your calls to voicemail, call and hang up on your husband’s boss or delete all of your emails, just assume that if pure evil can be done with a mobile device, your child will find a way.  When you find pictures on your phone of your naked, dimpled, pasty postpartum tush from the ever-flattering angle of just three feet from the floor, you wont even be mad.  You’ll just be glad he didn’t post them on Facebook.  Like the ones he almost posted of the view up his nose (see above).

"Finn! She caught us! Change the channel! Quick!"

3.  Netflix and Apple TV – Oh, the gloriously uncomplicated Apple Remote!  So uncomplicated!  So few buttons!  So easy for your spawn to rent movies you have no interest in watching!  Netflix is even worse, since you don’t think that they’ll get into anything but a Sesame Street marathon while you are in the shower.  Until you walk in on your little pooper snuggled up watching “the movie about centipedes, mommy!” which really turns out to be The Human Centipede 2; a movie with such a disturbing premise that I won’t even hint at it here.  (Shudder… agh!)  My advice is to set the passwords WAY earlier than you think you need to.

Bottom Line?  I really have no idea where to go from here.  Forking over the phone is a life saver when we are still waiting for our food at Steak and Shake.  I get an extra twenty-five minutes of sleep if I let Finn watch Spiderman at 5:30 am.  And, bad parenting or not, you do have to admit that a toddler getting down to “Party Rock” is pretty dang cute.

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