I had been looking forward to this moment for YEARS. I’m not kidding. Alice’s first bathing suit. Oh, my goodness, I would see them at Target and Gymboree and my ovaries would quiver.

As so many of these things go, life does not always live up to your expectations. After scouring the mall because we needed a bathing suit for the next day, I was so dissapointed. My criteria were this: it had to be a one piece, not slutty, no halters and cheaper than a suit I would buy for myself. One might think this would be a cinch, but none of the cute ones were the right size for Princess Backfat. This is the closest I got.

You know what’s coming. Put up a picture of a bathing suit with a tutu next to a pair of scissors…  Unleash the carnage!!!

Just as a sidebar; am I the only parent who doesn’t think that EVERYTHING my little girl wears or plays with has to be pink and covered in glitter and frills? I don’t mind it, but I think it has gotten out of hand. They have a pink bubble mower now, for Pete’s sake. Necessary? I think not.

I got to work. And in five minutes, Alice can now rest assured that she will look like a baby in a bathing suit and not a chubby, third-string extra in Swan Lake. Seriously, was that amount of tulle appropriate for swimwear? And all you Toddlers in Tiaras moms; just keep your thoughts to yourselves.