“Pedicure” may be a bit of a misnomer. I suppose “painting my toenails” would be a more appropriate description. Now that Memorial Day has come and gone, my excuse that it is “not yet summer” is no longer a valid reason for not having my toenails painted. Way back in the day (which was a Thursday, I’ll have you know), I worked at the now defunct Limited Too; we were required to have our toenails painted if we were going to wear sandals. This was a very big “duh” for my sixteen-year-old-worker-bee self, but I think about it now, and it is downright ludicrous.

Since the arrival of little Alice, my self-maintenance quotient has dropped considerably, and I thought I at least owed it to myself to have something less icky to gander at when looking at my feet. Problem: I am chasing little people around the house and have zero time to just sit. So, ladies and gents, may I introduce The Amazing Five-Minute Mom Pedicure!!

There are a few givens when embarking on this five-minute adventure. One; you don’t have toenail polish on, because it has probably grown out since the last time you painted your nails; around the time George W. Bush was choking on a pretzel in the White House. Also, while the total time spent pedicuring is less than five minutes, it will probably take all day long – if your distractions are as mobile as mine. WARNING: My toes are scary, finger length toes. It is hereditary. Please direct all complaints to my father.

Step One: Glob on your nail polish. Two coats is good, but don’t waste any time coloring inside the lines. Don’t worry about them being nice, thin coats either. Your goal is to cover the entire nail, and that is about it. I call this shade 1987 Hollywood Boulevard Prostitute Red; Wet ‘n Wild calls it Everybody Loves Redmond. Agree to disagree.

Step Two: After the polish is dry, take a shower. While in the shower, or as soon as you get out, use your fingernail to scrape off the polish from your skin. If you don’t have time (or need to dislodge your toddler from a laundry hamper), slather on some lotion and slip on a pair of socks to keep your skin nice and supple. Once your nice soft, freshly showered skin hardens to its regular shell, the polish is way harder to scrape off.

Step Three: Apply a nice, thick, clear top coat.

Step Four: Pray to Tiffany, the patron saint of the French manicure that your child(ren) steer clear of your toes just long enough for them to dry.

Step Five: Suppress the urge to tear your leg hair out when the little angel pokes your toe because “Oh! That’s new!!” It is only the pinkie toe, after all.

Congratulations! Your toes are now painted. And it only took you all day five minutes! Jen, the Assistant Manager at Limited Too, would be so proud.