NOTE: This post may be too much information if you’d rather not know about my personal life. Lemme put it this way; if you changed my diaper when I was an infant, look away now. Mom, Dad, Grandma – that is you. You are still reading, aren’t you, Mom? Well, don’t say I didn’t warn you.
Here’s the thing; I have a “List.” It is ridiculous, and totally lame, and kind of a running joke. It speaks of my shallowness, I know. It is all the guys that Nathan would have to give me a “pass” on if I were ever to sleep with. No questions asked, just a freebie. I’ll give you a hint; they are all celebrities.
I’m taking a moment to pause and reflect on that. I guess this list would be more aptly named “Cute Movie Stars Who I Would Really Love to Make Out With,” because a.) the chances of me ever meeting any of these dudes is seriously slim, b.) they would never, ever decide to sleep with me and c.) if they did, I would never put my marriage at stake just to have sex with some random guy (which is exactly what they would be, regardless of how cute they were or how many movies they had been in). Come to think about it, it would definitely be “Cute Movie Stars Who I Would Really Love to Get a Picture With to Make All My Facebook Friends Jealous.” That is a little wordy, so I’ll just refer to it as “The List.”
I suppose why this is at the forefront of my mind is because I have just added a new member. His name is Chris Hemsworth; AKA Thor, the guy with the cape and giant hammer. You know, this guy…
I woke up this morning in one of those cushy, rosy hazes that so very rarely happen any more. The first thing I did?
“Nathan, last night was really, really good.”
Apparently he had no idea what I was talking about. Then I woke up all the way and realized I had dreamed up the whole thing. The beard and long hair should have been a dead giveaway since Nathan is bald and clean-shaven, but I was half asleep. No matter.
We saw Snow White and the Huntsman last weekend, so Mr. Hemsworth was certainly in the back of my mind, but I think what pushed me over the edge was this:
He and his wife just had a baby. And right before I went to sleep, I read this stupid article on how he was “gushing” about his daughter being the “cutest thing ever.” I’m telling you, you give a cute guy a baby to hold, and he is immediately hotter. You give a smokin’ hot guy a baby, then have him “gush” about how adorable she is…. Oh. My. Gawd… My unsexy mom-undies just burst into flames of their own accord.
As Nathan left for work, he made a pretty off-color crack about “bringing home his magic hammer” this evening. He is a man after my own heart, that one.
So, are you curious who else is on “The List?” In no particular order:
- Ryan Reynolds – there isn’t much of an explanation for him. What is not to like? He’s tall, cute and funny. ‘Nuff said.
- Ryan Gosling – but really, just the Ryan Gosling from The Notebook and Drive; not all those movies where he plays complexly creepy dudes.
- Jake Gyllenhaal – I think this has everything to do with his eyelashes. And I thought he was a babe before the whole muscly thing he did in Prince of Persia. Hell, I can’t even quit him after Brokeback Mountain. That is saying something.
- Jacob Black – no, not Taylor Lautner, the guy who plays him in the movies. I’m talking the guy in the book, who I have envisioned as Steve, the cute guy from our old rock-climbing gym. He had the most amazing lats I have ever seen. And yes, I am a Twitard. Don’t judge.
- Orlando Bloom – who is really just an Honorable Mention at this point. He harks back from the days when the Lord of the Rings movies came out. I audibly gasped the first time I saw a cardboard Legolas standee in Best Buy. And I almost passed out the time I walked out of Anthropology class only to find a dude with long, blonde hair and a no-kidding wooden flute strapped to his back (marking the only time that a Dungeons & Dragons player ever looked sexy to me, if only from the back).
It is a pretty short list. And I think it speaks a little too much of me that they are all super hero types. (Do I wanna be saved or something??) Well, maybe not Orlando Bloom, but he can wield a bow and arrow pretty well. What kinda creeps me out are the guys who used to be on that list; Steven Tyler (ah, gross), that girly dude from AFI and David Bowie. Okay, so maybe I’m still a little soft on Ziggy Stardust.
I asked Nathan who is on his “list” these days. The last time I was keeping track, it was Angelina Jolie, and Tara Reid – way before she was the hot mess she is today. Nathan tells me that he has too much respect for me to even have one. Then came the comment about the magic hammer. Yeah, I bet.