I hate this! I hate it, hate it, hate it! (I am mentally stomping my feet, btw.)

I had this awesome idea. I was cruising the clearance rack at TJMaxx and found a great deal. And I had such an amazing idea of what to do with it. It was genius! And it was going to propel me to Pinterest stardom. (Let’s face it, this is how narrow my scope of the world has become; I think it is due to the fact that I am continuously chased by an army of two brain-eating mini zombies day in and day out.)

But, alas, you know how this tale will end.

In failure. Utter craft-hell failure.

Which isn’t so bad in the grand scheme of things, really. Have I mentioned I am a tad bit melodramatic?

The Steal: A Thomas the Tank Engine wooden train – $2.00 These things are freaking fortune on a regular day, and Finn has amassed a horde that would put Imelda Marcos‘ shoe collection to shame. NOTE: I do not condone EVER introducing this show to an unsuspecting toddler. Their head will explode from the overload of little-kid-awesomeness. And you will be wishing you were watching Barney. Yes, it is that bad.

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The Idea: Thomas gets a makeover. He shall henceforth be Finn the Tank Engine! Finn has half of the cast of the Thomas and Friends show, but how cool would it be to have YOUR VERY OWN ENGINE??

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The Process: Frog Tape and leftover spray paint to the rescue. Mask off the engine, paint the wheels, then mask off the wheels, paint the engine and finally pimp that sucker with a custom paint job. Flames, baby. Flames.

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The First Snag: I taped off the body of the engine, then primed and spray painted the wheels silver. I took the tape off – OMYGOD they looked awesome. Until the paint flaked off right after I took the tape off. No problem – I’ll just paint it with model paint! That flaked off, too. But not after leaving 38 splatters of permanent, black, enamel paint on my kitchen table and adjacent wall. Crap. I’m flexible – we will just leave the wheels blue. Fine. Whatever.

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The Second Snag: I mask and sand the body of the engine; only to realize that I am sanding it with 40 grit sandpaper. For those who are not intimately aware with 40 grit sandpaper; it is what you might use to sand the shell off a turtle in two passes. Or something similar, of course. Needless to say, Thomas now looks like he has been drinking, driving, then crashing. But I paint him anyway.

The Third Snag: I prime and paint the little engine. At this point, I am so frustrated with the whole process… I am hasty, and the paint is uneven, drippy and globby. I know how to spray paint like a pro, but this was a disaster.

The End Result: Failure! Sweet, unadulterated failure. Two dollars and two hours down the drain.

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Oh, f you, Little Engine that Can’t.  And no Pintrest stardom to be had. Pfft.

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