Halloween is big business around here.  There is something very satisfying to me about having carte blanche to be anything you want for just one day.  To have the excuse to scrap together otherwise out of date and useless items all for the sake of replicating a whackadoodle pop-culture icon.  To let your freak flag fly, so to speak.

Last year?  Lame. O.  Super lame.  So super lame that Nathan and I didn’t even dress up.  Let me be clear on one thing; this is MY thing.  Nathan simply goes along for the ride.  And he has total veto power.  The time that I wanted to be Barbie and Ken?  Yeah, that was totally a no-go.  Bummer.  If I even breathed a word about dressing up as Twlight characters, I think he may have taken my head.  But last year, I was pregnant, and totally not into being a giant pumpkin, or a baker with a “bun in the oven.”  Not even close.

I stand firmly in the camp of Thy Must Make Thine Own Halloween Costume.  Don’t give me any of that store-bought crap from Target.  An acceptable Halloween costume must be painstakingly and meticulously pieced together by the wearer (or said wearer’s mother or wife).  It needs to be curated.  You only get to wear it for a few hours; half the fun is dodging smelly folks at Goodwill to locate the perfect Indiana Jones jacket and man-purse (or “satchel” if you prefer).  It doesn’t have to be perfect, it just has to be homemade.

And yes, it is June.  No need to double-check your calendars.  This is how seriously obsessed I am with Halloween costumes.  I have been thinking about this for months already.

Finn was Spiderman last year.  Which was fine.  I had fun making the best Spiderman costume that one can with polar fleece.  Not much room for creativity, but that was okay.

And Spiderman wears white tube socks while lounging at home, I’ll have you know.

Finn has been telling me that he wants to be Spiderman again this year.  Allow my child to live out his fantasy?  Yeah, um, no.  This kid runs around dressed up as Spiderman almost every flippin’ day; I think we can all use a break from our favorite webslinger.

Then he drops this bomb on me:

“Mom, I want to be Bumblebee for Halloween.”  No, not dress up as a cutie little antennae-clad insect.  He means this dude:

And not the 80’s version of Bumblebee. The REAL one, from the Michael Bay movies. -via Video Game Wallpapers

How the hell am I supposed to manage that?  When I Googled “Bumblebee costume” I got one of two things.  This:

Though I do think he’s totally working those pants.  -via costume-works.com

Or this:

This may or may not be the one which actually TRANSFORMS INTO A MOTHER FUCKING CAR. Way to go dude, you are making me look bad. – via mydisguises.com

Somehow I must strike a balance between these two.  Because for 1.) there is no way I am dressing my kid in a yellow cardboard box and expecting him to be able to go trick or treating (and what would people think he was?  A homeless person who is down with Pantone’s Empire Yellow?) and 2.)  I’m a dork, but not such a dork that I would blow thousands of hours and dollars into something that would be better suited for a pimply, preteen Finn to wear to Comic-Con.

Just to illustrate what I am up against, here are some costumes from years passed:

Pre-kids as Jessica and Roger Rabbit

Yes, my bump is real. Nathan’s (however convincing) is not.  And no, we are not Dr. Suess people.  We are troll dolls.

My very favorite year as Peter Venkman, Slimer and Zuul

Nathan and Finn as Woody and Buzz…

And I was Jessie. And I made the Wonder Woman costume, too. (You totally rocked it, G!) Which I might have to borrow for this year if I can squeeze my fat, post-Alice ass into it.

So not only do I have to conquer Bumblebee with panache, I also have to figure out what the rest of us will be.  What is even harder to come up with is this…  Where are we gonna wear these things?  I have a feeling that my dream of dressing up as the Back to the Future cast may not work out this year.  I better start keeping my eye out for skeleton t-shirts for Nathan and I.  Humph.  And I can’t even think of anything for little Alice.

So, it looks like Halloween 2012 will (again) not be a banner year.  Or any year for the next 15 years.  I guess it is time to let go and let my kids’ own freak flags fly.

Fast forward to October 29th:  “Mom, I don’t even LIKE Bumblebee anymore…”