I love parties. But if you plan a party, that feeling of dread starts to creep in right before it starts…
“Oh. My. God. No one is going to come.”
How’s this for a solution? Throw a party, but only invite people who will NEVER EVER come. Problem solved.
In honor of my 31st birthday, I have decided to throw a party with the most exclusive guest list that has ever been compiled. And by exclusive, I mean that some of the folks on it are dead or don’t even exist in real life. Because this is my party, and I’ll damn well invite a corpse if I so choose.
I also have my handy-dandy list of folks that are not allowed into my shindig. Because nothing spoils a fictional party than a fictional party pooper.
Distinguished guests shall include:
My favorite authors; Bill Bryson, David Sedaris and Mark Twain. Okay, confession: I haven’t read that many Mark Twain books in the last fifteen years, but that guy is seriously the boss. Just google “Mark Twain Quotes” and you’ll see what I mean. Genius. And anyone who can rock a white suit that good has to come. Guess that means that Colonel Sanders isn’t getting an invite. Can you imagine if they both showed up in the same get-up? How embarrassing.
Betty Draper/Betty Francis from Mad Men. All I really want to see is what she’ll wear. That lady is one stone-cold bitch, and every party needs an ice queen, anyway. I’m betting she’ll just stand in the corner, pout and smoke. We are gonna have one helluva conversation about parenting, though. We’ll talk about the merits of smacking one’s progeny and we’ll laugh…
Mr. Rogers. My six-year-old self would probably pee her pants.
Katniss and Peeta from the Hunger Games. I figure the two of them will get along nicley with Nathan, since they share similar interests. Come to think of it, Peeta and I could swap cake decorating tips and I HAVE to get his mother’s recipe for that amazing bread.
Walt Disney. Yes, I know that is pretty cliché for someone who loves Disney World as much as I do, but I have to meet this man. I’ve heard he was kind-of a douche, and that dichotomy is so intriguing to me… Oh, I would love to pick his brain. I’m hoping he and I will hit it off so well that he will write me a letter of recommendation so I’m sure to get that job as an Imagineer. Then it is back to cold-storage with him.
The Entire Weasly Family. And Harry Potter and Hermione, too. If anyone ever made a movie about my family, they could just go right ahead and cast the entire Weasly crew and it would be spot-on. Maybe we aren’t gingers, but have you seen Erin Brocovitch in real life? She is no Julia Roberts. We are one seriously rowdy crew, and I’m pretty sure J.K. Rowling based Fred and George off my two middle brothers. A little magic wouldn’t hurt the atmosphere, either.
Almost forgot Neville Longbottom! Who knew he’d get THAT cute??
Steve Jobs. The coolest geek ever. I can’t really put a finger on why, but he just seemed so cool. Maybe his coolness was amplified by the fact that he was a freakin’ bajillionaire and still believed in hard work and was still awesome despite his success. Nathan probably won’t talk to anyone else the entire night.
Sookie Stackhouse, Jason Stackhouse, Eric and Pam from True Blood. First off, Jason and Eric are just that hot, and Sookie is super flighty. You need a couple of floozies at a party to liven things up a bit. Pam is amazing. If I were a vamp, I would so want to be her. And not be on her bad side. That broad is f’ing ca-razy.
Enzo from The Art of Racing in the Rain. Oh, if you have never read this book, you must. Yes, Enzo is a dog, but he is the best dog in the world. I get enough of schizoid pooches around here on a daily basis, so I need a little calm canine-ery to get me back on track.
Jacob Black (and the rest of the Quillette Tribe) from Twilight series. Somebody’s gotta be on hand to keep those vamps in check. Something tells me those dawgs know how to par-tay, too. And most of them are pretty easy on the eyes.
Ira Glass, host of This American Life. He would get along with everyone at the party. Afterwards, he would be able to give relevent, insightful and entertaining reports on all the guests. I would love to pick his brain, too.
George Clooney. Just because. There isn’t a person alive that wouldn’t want him at their birthday party.
THE BLACK LIST:
Edward and Bella from Twilight and Gale from Hunger Games. Wet blanket, anyone?
Pete Campbell from Mad Men. This guy is such a pansy, I’m not even sure why he is still on the show. I cannot flipping stand him. Oh! Will they just write him off, please?? What a twerp.
Michael Bay. Not only is he on my shit list for this, he just seems to be a total woman-objectifying dick. I’m betting he is just as loud and obnoxious as his movies. And if something blew up in my house, I’d be totally pissed.
Anyone Associated with The Jersey Shore clan. Wow. Those people are insane. And not in a good way. I’m not even gonna try to take those hacks down a peg. It would be like shooting fish in a barrel.
Nicholas Cage. He might be a nice guy in real life, but I can’t even stand looking at him. He would irritate me just by breathing. I loathe him. For absolutely no good reason.
Michael Vick. I’m not really sure if there has ever been anyone that I wanted to stab in the eye with pickle fork as bad as Michael Vick. Maybe Nancy Grace, but I’m convinced Mr. Vick might be the anti-christ to the pups of this world. Suck it, Vick.
George W. Bush. Sorry, dude. Not a fan.
The Koolaid Pitcher. I’ll admit, he might have brought delicious refreshments, but if you can’t figure out how to use the front door, you are not welcome at my house. Maybe he and Michael Bay can console each other over not being allowed at my gala.
Ryan Gosling. I’m sorry… What was I talking about again? Birthday guests, yes… Oh, he is heavenly. And if I ever saw him in person, I think I would just pass out. Then I would miss the rest of the night. Our lovely evening will have to wait, mi amore.
Okay, I suppose you can come, too. But don’t go blabbing that shit all over Facebook, or you and I are gonna have words.