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We are finally back from Chicago…  The Alice Elizabeth North American Tour has completed its Midwest leg.  The christening was a success, she looked great in her dress, the cake was delicious (and quite cute), and nobody tripped and fell while walking up the pulpit steps (or whatever you call it) in front of the entire congregation.

Saturday night was spent ironing table cloths, poufing tissue paper pom poms and finishing the cake.  So, after a LOOONG day at the Cubs game, I came back home, only to get everything ready for the party the next morning.  Which was only slightly impeded by an exploding condiment cup of bleu cheese dressing.  For those of you who really know me, the real insult was being covered literally from head to toe (Alice, too!) in fucking BLEU CHEESE.  I hate moldy cheese.  That shit smells like Pirates of the Caribbean; and I’ll pass on dipping my chicken wings in Liquid Jack Sparrow, thank you very much.

The day started out like this:

How on earth Gwen, Alice’s Godmother, still likes me after all my high school douchy-ness, I’ll never know. But I’m glad she does, especially for Alice’s sake.

Ah, The Friendly Confines… I love Wrigley Field.

And ended with this, thank god.

Sunday morning was a blur; after all twenty-seven of us got through the shower at my mom’s, we changed into our Sunday best and headed to church.  Everyone save Alice.  I was not about ready to have her puke on her dress in the car.  She left the house looking like a total Guido from Jersey Shore.  She rocks a mean bare chest, that girl.

We changed her into her dress in the parking lot, and it was as if all the stars aligned the second we stepped out of the car.  Oh my goodness, it was the cutest she has EVER looked.  Wouldn’t you know… I didn’t get a single picture of just her in her dress.

The service starts, everything is going well.  Then the pastor asks the little kids up to the front of the church for the Children’s Sermon.  It’s all about Labor Day, and doing work, yada yada.  Then the pastor says something about how you feel in your heart…  Finn just plows into human anatomy with her, in the front of the whole church; in front of 100+ people.

“Yes, I have a heart, and this is where my brain is.”  He points to his head.  “And then, when you eat, you swallow your food, it goes down your drain, down your esophagus, into your stomach, gets smushed up, then it goes into your little tubes…”

At this point he is pointing to his intestines.  He has the whole church politely smiling now.  Nathan and I have heard this rant before, and we so know what is coming next.  It is like an accident happening in slow-mo.

“And then it goes into your big tubes.”  He lifts his tush off the step, tilts his hips so they are facing the parishioners.  Nathan and I are now both shushing as fast and loud as we can.  But, it is no use.  He points to his butthole.

“And then it comes out as poop.”

And the crowd goes wild!!  All while Nae and I are red-cheeked and silently cursing my brilliant idea to check out the human anatomy book from the library.  The pastor handled it gracefully and without a blink; thank goodness.

When she asked all the kids to pray, Finn’s eyes lit up and he exclaimed, “I can play now?!?”

Yeah…  We don’t get to church too often, can you tell?

After the little sugarplum was drenched in holy water, we raced home to see if we could beat the crowd back to my mom’s for lunch.  I just barely got all the food on the table and snapped a pic before everyone dug in.  In fifteen minutes, the food was gone.  Okay, I’m exaggerating, but it went fast.  So fast that I never got to take a picture of the inside of the cake.  I turned around for two minutes and the whole thing was reduced to a pile of pink crumbs.

After everyone left, we plopped down in the grass, let Finn and Alice get good and covered in grass stains and indulged in WAY too much Chinese food, thanks to Mr. T.  It was a smashing success.  Our Kung Pow Chicken went down our drains, down the esophagus, into our stomachs, got smushed up, then it went into our little tubes, through the big tubes…

I’ll leave it at that, ‘kay?

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