I think I would die a happy woman.
Oh, and that “last day” business? I should qualify that statement. If the entire world was coming to an end tomorrow…
And for my father’s sake; Yes, Dad. I am in a perfectly fine state of mind and not thinking about pulling a Susan Smith or anything. Jesus, that woman was awful and you worry WAY too much.
For christ’s sake, people, we all understand the meaning of the word “allegory,” yes?
I’m exactly sure what got me thinking about it, but I sat through half of Melancholia a few weeks ago, and that is exactly what the premise of the movie was. It was, um, interesting? I might describe it as painful, or awkward. My inability to truely appreciate Lars von Trier films must mark me as a cinema philistine, but whatev. The movie was bo.ri.ing. And not surprisingly, I was totally melancholy afterwards. Mission accomplished, Lars. (But seriously, cool name, to boot. Woot, woot.)
Today, the kids and I set up our tent in the living room. It was a bit too chilly to go out and play, and I need to appreciate this enormous cavern that is my living room now that we are putting the house up for sale. Holy shit, I am so fucking stressed out about selling this house.
I snuggled with Alice and Finny in our sleeping bags, and I was struck with this unshakable image of the four of us (six, including the pups) sitting on the front lawn waiting for the coming apocalypse. I think this would qualify as a major downer for most people (and it was for me for a few moments), but I got to thinking about it, and I realized that Nathan and I have EVERYTHING that really matters. Sure, he is a pain in the ass, I am a bigger pain in the ass and most days are filled with cockamamie bullshit with the dogs and kids, but when push comes to shove, we have a pretty good thing going.
When I think of my death, I don’t worry so much about me, but about the mess I will leave behind. I only hope that the kids are way grown and Nathan is old and happy. I don’t mourn for myself, but for anyone that might hurt in my absence. Is that weird? If it was up to me, Nathan and I would be eighty-nine, driving our giant Airstream down the Going To The Sun Road in Glacier National Park, we both fall asleep and just… Weeeeee!! Off a cliff without hurting anyone and killing the both of us instantly. Not a bad way to go, right?
Back to the apocalypse…
If I found out we were all going to die tomorrow, I would eat every morsel of carbs in the house, including the uncooked pasta. I would drink Diet Coke until my eyeballs were floating in aspartame. Violet would be able to lick my face no matter how bad her breath smells and Walter would eat an entire bunch of bananas. When Finny asked if we could go to Disney World the next day, as he frequently does, I would say yes. And tell him we are flying there. In an airplane that looks like fucking Optimus Prime. I would let him pull all the leaves off the boxwoods, feed the giant spider by the front door ants until he couldn’t find anymore and kiss him until my lips hurt. I would count Alice’s beautiful eyelashes, let her gnaw on my thumb until she was bored with it and screech her happy little heart out. I would tell Nathan how much I adored him and how he really is an asshole, but I don’t care, because he is the most wonderful man to me. We would eat ice cream all day.
And you know what else I would do? I would NOT give a shit how long it would take to sell my house.
Then we would wake up the next day, no apocalypse to be had, bloated and full of way too much dairy and I would have to make good on finding a plane that looks like a Transformer. But I would also be happy that we have each other and that things are going to work out just fine.