When Finn was about Alice’s age, I would agonize over his speech; or lack thereof. Everything was babbling and ooodling, and before I could process it, he was schooling me on the proper usage of the word “obligated.”
One of the perks of parenthood is being around a moment when your kids make a hysterical miscalculation about the English language. Or they say something so terribly inappropriate that you have no choice but to laugh. Like yesterday, when Finn exclaimed in the restroom at Walmart, “OH, MOM! I peed in my eye!”
If you are trying to wrap your brain around the mechanics of such an event, allow me to enlighten you… If you have boy parts, do not try to watch yourself poop. Weenies have a mind of their own. Too much information? Well, it is Friday, after all. Lighten up.
One of my favorite Finnish phrases is the title of this post. I couldn’t tell you the context (I’ve since forgotten), but it speaks the truth. This really isn’t reality here in Colorado – it is way too much good coupled with way too much stress. (A perfect equilibrium, I ‘spose.) Ah. Out of the mouths of babes.
Here are a few of Finny’s finest that I have been cataloguing in the notepad on my phone. I realize that NO ONE thinks this shit is as funny as Nathan and I find it. If this kind of stuff bores you; I’ll see ya again on Monday. Don’t let the back button hit you in the ass on the way out.
“Look! It’s One Baca!”
“What are you talking about, Finny? That is CHEWBACCA.”
“Yes! Two Baca!”
Eloquent Observations on the Female Anatomy
“That is just Mom using her Monster Hole.” (As I am holding my wallet between my thighs while trying to sign a credit card slip.)
“Alice came out of your stripe. I did, too.” (While yanking down my sweats to point to my C-section scar.)
“This is the big boob [pats one of my boobs] and this is the little boob [pats the other]. You better go pop [pump] that ninny, Mom. It is going to blow up.” (During my days nursing Alice.)
“Mom just has a butt to pee out of.” (While pointing out my lack of penis.)
Concerning Popular Music of Yesteryear
“You own a band, a band, you own it!” (Michael Jackson’s “Bad”)
“American Iguana, I’m a beeeeee!” (The Guess Who’s “American Woman”)
“Hedgehogging ghosts come out to socialize.” (Albeit not popular in any circle besides my own, “The Hitchhiking Ghosts” song from The Haunted Mansion)
Oooh, I See What You Mean…
“All those cars have testicles, Dad.” (ICEicles)
“I love Cinderella cheese, Grandma. Mom puts it on pizza at home.” (MOZZarella cheese)
“He is surrounded by horse fields.” (FORCE fields)
Everything You Wanted to Know About an Erect Penis
“My penis feels like venchables…” (Vegetables? Maybe a carrot? I dunno.)
“Oooh. My weenis is like a screwdriver!!” (God help me.)
“Look, Alice! A REALLY BIG WIENER!! AHHH HAA!” (As he tries to poke her in the arm with it. Sweet lord; help Alice, too.)
And with that, I think we can all agree I’ve shared enough Finnisims for one day. Or a year. Since Alice is just a year-and-a-half, I have yet to experience our fine semantics through her eyes. And part of me laments the fact that Finn is getting older and gaining a finer grasp on his vocabulary. Even though all of it is a bit embarrassing when it slips out at, say, the mall during a haircut, I pine for the next line of comedy gold since they are so few and far between these days.
This perk of parenting is also a curse; because this, too, shall pass.