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Another Big Bite

Another Big Bite

Tag Archives: babies

Then & Now: Rock On With Your Bad Self

11 Monday Mar 2013

Posted by anotherbigbite in The "Joy" of Parenting, The Good Ole Days, Then and Now

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Tags

alice, babies, clothing, finn, pink floyd shirts

IMG_0551

Then:  Finn showing (Dad’s) love for Roger Waters and the rest of Pink Floyd in January, 2011.  He was so sweet, and just twenty months old.  Grandpa Tom had just gotten him his very first Thomas the Train set; now it has ballooned into a ginormous collection needing multiple bins and can sprawl throughout the entire third floor.

IMG_5404

Now:  Alice showing (Dad’s) love for Roger Waters and the rest of Pink Floyd in February, 2013 at fourteen months.  Yep, I put the shirt and skinny jeans on her, but the headband and the gold flats are all her.  I never realized that a one-year-old would have a preference for one pair of shoes over the other.  She is such a girl.  And totally wins in the category of Best Accessorizing.

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Happy Heart Day!

14 Thursday Feb 2013

Posted by anotherbigbite in Being a Grownup, The "Joy" of Parenting

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Tags

adorable babies, alice, babies, celebrating, finn, food, grandma mary, holidays, kids, valentine s day, valentines day

If nothing else, it is an excuse to eat chocolate for breakfast, drink pink milk and partake in waaay too many cinnamon rolls.

2val af2

In related news, Nae and I make adorable babies.

2val dy

2val finn

2val a

2val af

So, special thanks to Grandma Mary for the adorable outfit for Alice (again; even better than last year!) and to Richard Simmons; with whom I will be seeking counsel to best identify how I can work off all the extra calories from breakfast.

The first Valentine’s Day I really remember, it was all about writing every one of my classmates’ name on a little envelope.  In junior high, it was about getting a chocolate rose from a boy named Larry, and being completely floored.  High school brought the most potent Valentine’s Day memories; I began dating “my first love” fifteen years ago today, who later turned out to be a royal f-ing douchebag, therefore ruining the rest of my February 14ths in high school.  Then Nathan came along, and in college, took me to the most romantical spot, like, ever… Taco Bell.  He is a natural romantic.  That is true chivalry, right there – treating a girl to flatulence wrapped in a pasty flour tortilla.

Now, it is mostly about paper hearts, balloons and pink milk.  I have effectively come full circle.  And I LOVE it.

But mostly, Nathan – you’re the man, dude.  I’m not sure how on earth we are still together, after that TBell debacle.  But I’m glad that I stuck around.  Because that year where you built me a “fire” in our first apartment; the one made out of a Swiffer handle, red and yellow cellophane and a box fan – that was the BEST.  After all this time, you are still. my. favorite.

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The Seven Circles of Toddler-Naptime Hell

12 Tuesday Feb 2013

Posted by anotherbigbite in Bitchfest, The "Joy" of Parenting

≈ 3 Comments

Tags

alice, babies, morning nap, nap time, parenting, sleep, Sleeping babies, sleeping through the night

photo (8)

Gone are the days where my sweet, sweet, little Alice would drift peacefully off to sleep and slumber undisturbed past eight in the morning.  Once she started teething, she started to remind me of her brother’s sleep habits…  He just started sleeping through the night just past the age of three, and we still wake to find him snuggled in bed with us every now and again.

Though she quit sleeping through the night in August, she would still go to sleep easily for me.  Yes, I still rock her to bed, and no, I would NEVER judge those of you who have trained their children to put themselves to bed all by themselves.  Good for you, you have great resolve, or awesome kiddos, both or whatever.  I am just one of those moms who feels like it is what Alice needs – a little extra bonding time that I am more than happy to give her.

When I say “more than happy” I mean it in the sense that I am “more than happy” to have Lilliput boogers on my shoulder or that I am “more than happy” to clean poop out of a bathtub full of water.  It isn’t glamorous or my idea of a good time, but it goes with the territory.  And I am perfectly at peace with that.

Lately, though, Alice has been a bear to get to sleep – much like Finn has been since he was born almost four years ago.  Since she still takes a morning nap (thank god) and an afternoon nap, and wakes frequently at night, I am spending about an hour and a half to four hours of my day getting her to sleep.  I’m not gonna sugar coat it for you; it kinda blows.

This is a typical round for the two of us:

Circle One:  The Snuggle Bug – This is my favorite stage; she is tired, happy to be in my arms and ready to fall asleep.  We are getting to the point where she’s about ready to be completely weaned, so she still snuggles, but I’m feeling like that’s about to change.  Beware, though.  Even though it seems like nap time will be easy this time – it is a ruse.  Alice has other plans…

Circle Two:  Denial – Just as she is all happy and snug as a bug in a rug (and I’m totally thinking that this time is going to be different), she realizes that I am trying to put her to sleep.  I’m postulating that her thought process is a little something like this:  Oh, Mom, I love you.  Let us cuddle all day…  It is so nice and warm here, and you are smiling, and – WHAT?  What are you trying to pull, lady?  You think you are going to get me to fall asleep this way; oh HELL no.  This was a trap, I know I shouldn’t have drunk that roofies-laden breast milk!  I will fight you to the death, I’ll cut a bitch, just so you know.  I will NOT go down without a fight.  And somehow, she goes from being a twenty-five pound feather-weight to having the strength of an ox.  I’m not sure what voodoo she works, but she is apt to kick, push and even bite.

Circle Three: The Wide-Eyed Wonder – She finally gives up the kicking, and now just lays there, eyes wide, thumb in her mouth, quiet and still.  Which would be nice, if only she would just close her eyes and GO TO SLEEP.  This is by far the longest stage; she’ll just stare at me for what seems like hours.  The only way this stage gets any more frustrating is when she fights to keep her eyes open.  You know, where you try desperately hard to keep your eyes open during another dull all-staff meeting, but your head just keeps lolling around on its weak, rubbery neck.  Only with Alice, it seems she never submits.  She doesn’t care that the Finance Department has twelve other spreadsheets to go over – she will keep her eyes open like she’s watching Ryan Gosling  undress at a snail’s pace.

Go The F*ck to Sleep, by Adam Mansbach

Circle Four:  Asleep… Just Kidding! –  Many a time in my rookie years, Finn would fall asleep, only just asleep, and I would make the mistake of putting him down, only to start the process all over again.  This is the point where Alice looks like she is asleep, but she is pulling a Grandpa Tom and “resting her eyes.”  She is still sucking vigorously away on that thumb, hoping that I’ll fall for her charade and place her ever so gently into her crib.

Circle Five:  Self/Mom Mutilation – I’m not sure why on earth humans have evolved in such a way that our bodies wake us up just as we stand on the precipice of sweet slumber.  Instead of doing that giant flinch when you think you are going to fall off the bed when you are half asleep, Alice starts to poke and scratch at herself or me.  She’ll poke herself in the eye, pull her hair, scratch at her face, or even more frustrating – she will do it to me.  I love paper-thin baby nails scratching away at my armpit as much as the next guy, but it is better than her fifteen-year-old-boy-radio-knobbing my nipples. It is even more uncomfortable now than it was way back then.  I’ll gladly take a toddler-sized index finger up the nose over her manhandling my poor little ninnies.

Circle Six: The Home Stretch Flail – After she is done maiming herself and me, she starts flopping around like a fish out of water.  She is barely asleep, but her tiny body writhes around hopelessly.  It is much like wrestling a pair of Siamese twin, twleve pound alligators…  One of them desperately wants to catch forty winks, but the other JUST WANTS TO DANCE, BEYATCH!  Bring on the leg warmers and big hair; Jennifer Beals aint got nothing on this little lady.

The Inner Circle – DEAD TO THE WORLD – The thumb falls out of her mouth.  She is snoring a very un-ladylike snore, and I am ready to hoist myself out of the rocker and put her to bed.  Unfortunately, the world has other plans.  Finn has just finished pooping and “NEEDS TO BE WIPED, MOM!!”  The doorbell rings; Nathan’s newest gadget needs to be signed for.  The dogs notice a little, old lady shuffling down her driveway to get her mail – She must be a threat to our existence!  BARK, BARK, BARKETY BARK, GROWL!  And all my time has been wasted.  I must proceed back to the first circle, only this time, Alice thinks she has just had a nap (even though it was only 12 minutes long), so she is ready for the world!!

This, by the way, is really just one long excuse as to why you have been hearing so little from me these days.  And really, as much as I HATE the Cry It Out method, I’m almost to that point.  The good news is that this is just a phase.  If she is anything like her brother, Alice will be sleeping by herself in… Wait for it…  Two and a half more years.

Sure, I can handle that.  Sigh.

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Goose Eggs and Bad Parenting

29 Tuesday Jan 2013

Posted by anotherbigbite in Being a Grownup, The "Joy" of Parenting

≈ 4 Comments

Tags

accidents, babies, baby injuries, falling, parenting

The verdict is in.

I am a crappy parent.  But, by my rationale, many of you probably are, too, since you might sit your kid in a shopping cart without religiously belting them in.

I swear, I always buckle Alice up when I put her in little seat in every shopping cart she ever goes in.  Yesterday?  Not so much.  We went to Home Depot for the seventeenth time and I caved to Finn.  Yes, we can use the behemoth truck-shaped shopping cart.  Have you seen them?  It fits two little people up top, facing out and they each get their own steering wheel.

If you are a kid – AWESOME.

So awesome, in fact, that you might even take it upon yourself to take advantage of the fact that the damn seatbelts are busted and leap from your perch.  On to the concrete floor.  Head first.

Oh, Alice…  Why??  Why, my little Figgy Pudding, WHY?

I suppose I can call myself lucky that this was the worst scare I have ever had as a parent (knock on wood) – watching your baby plummet three feet to the floor in slow motion.  Oh, my god…  It is cliché, but my gut is twisting just thinking about it again. There is that awful silence where they just have their mouths open in that wide, blue-lipped baby scream…  And you just wait for them to suck in a breath now – please, little baby – NOW!

A few seconds pass and I realized that she really must have hit her head HARD, because half of her forehead is blue and swelling, and then I started bawling heaving sobs while hunched over her on the floor like a mother bear, because that helps the situation, right?  Then Finn starts bawling – not because his sister is hurt or his mom is terrified and in hysterics, but because “I don’t want to be in trouble – I want to go look at the toys at Walmart!!”

This kid has priorities, folks.

Within thirty seconds, we were surrounded by a swarm of orange aprons; I dialed Nathan with jittery fingers and the next thing I knew I was giving out my contact information and trying hard to hold my hand steady while I filled out a witness statement as I waited for Nathan to come.  Alice was already in good spirits and chewing on her icepack by the time we rushed to the car and shuttled her to the ER.

You really have to look for the bruise.  Which makes me feel a littl better, since I'm ashamed to say that now the American public won't immediatly think that I beat the poor little lady.

You really have to look for the bruise. Which, I’m ashamed to say, makes me feel a tiny bit better since the American public won’t immediatly think that I beat the poor little lady.

Long story short?  It looks like everything is fine.  It’ll heal before she gets married.  And it looks like I am never going to use a cart with a broken seatbelt ever again.  As for Alice, all she has is a faint shadow of a bruise on her forehead for her efforts.

And there is a lesson to be had, Alice – really, the ONE time you do something unprotected (like sit in a shopping cart without a seatbelt or have unprotected sex), something unsavory’s gonna happen.

Wow.  I have turned into my dad.

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“Just cinch it!”

30 Friday Nov 2012

Posted by anotherbigbite in I'm a Crafty Mo' Fo', The "Joy" of Parenting

≈ 2 Comments

Tags

babies, baby belt, gap girls, leather belt, sewing

You know, like the SNL Gap Girls from years past….

If you have no idea what I’m talking about, I’m either way older, way younger or way dweebier than you.

The one thing that Alice’s wardrobe is in dire need of is a belt. I know, it is blasphemy that we’ve gotten this far in her short life and not had her midsection properly belted. Because that is what every baby needs; a belt. Or a bathrobe. Or a pair of high-heeled shoes. Maybe a chunky pearl bracelet?

Anywho, I decided to make her a belt whether she needed one or not. I had a remnant of shimmery grey leather left over from my Hobby Lobby scrap stash. I also had a couple extra key rings; ones that didn’t have any keys that I would have to mutilate my fingernails on to repurpose into a belt buckle.

Really, I couldn’t have been lazier. (On second thought, NOT making her a belt at all would have been lazier.) I cut two strips of leather and stitched them together since Alice is a bit of a rotund little thing. I stitched the two rings to one end. It took me more time to get the darn thing around her belly than it did for me to make it.

She is sporting her new embroidered-crest-free white shirt from my last post. If I was going to spend forever de-cresting the damn thing, she better wear it.

And since I was in a “Gap Girls” sorta mood, check out this Farley/Spade/Sandler cross-dressing hilarity from my formative years. Back when SNL was still funny (which is what my Dad says about SNL from his formative years, too).

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