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Another Big Bite

Another Big Bite

Tag Archives: two year old

Childhood Milestone: The “Littlest A-Hole” Stage

21 Monday Apr 2014

Posted by anotherbigbite in Bitchfest, My Two Cents, The "Joy" of Parenting

≈ 2 Comments

Tags

alice, children, parenting, terrible twos, two year old

Don't let that cute, whipped cream covered face fool you.

Don’t let that cute, whipped cream covered face fool you.

Before I go on, the blogging community requires that I mention this disclaimer:

DISCLAIMER:  I love my children (probably more than you love yours) and think the world of them.

But…

My daughter has turned into a monster.  She has her moments of pure innocence and gentleness, sure.  But most of the time, she acts like a complete asshole.

We went through this stage with Finn when he was about this age, and it wasn’t until Alice started her round that we realized Finny’s had ended quite some time ago. For the most part, Finn has developed into a very nice young man.  He is rambunctious, doesn’t always listen and has the (slightly more than) occasional tantrum, but he is generally nice to people and doesn’t act like a little fucker simply for the sake of acting like a little fucker anymore.

Oh, lord…  She is saying these things about her children!  Calling them horrible names; cuss words, even!  How could a woman ever think such things about the  cherubs that burst their way from her very own uterus, causing sleep deprivation, memory loss, pain, saggy boobs, memory loss and lack of cultural awareness?

Most sane individuals would call this “the terrible twos.”  I choose to call it what it is.  And while your children probably were never assholes (and eat only a gluten-free, free range, organic diet 100% of the time and have never laid eyes on a McNugget, battery operated toy or a television screen), mine certainly have been in their short lives.  I’ve read my fair share of compassionate parenting blogs and no one seems to want to admit that children are being complete pricks for no other reason than they can.

“Mommy.  Peee-you.  You farted.  Ewww.”  She gives me a look of disgust that would make Gary Busey run for cover.

Seriously?  Now she is blaming me for her flatulence?  Where did she pick this up?  I can be immature at times, but it isn’t like I’m gonna get into a school yard brawl about who farted.  I have better, more adult things to do than fight over whose stench permeates her delicate nostrils.

“I most certainly did not!  Don’t blame me for that!  I wasn’t the one who broke into the pantry and ate three fistfuls of dried apricots!”

Well, most of the time I have more adult things to do.

My sweet little angel, what have you become?  One minute you are a little peanut, snuggled in my arms as I rocked you to sleep…  The next moment you are trying to flog the dog with your princess wand (which I’ve learned is really nothing more than a sword for girls) and pull Finn’s hair because his feet touched yours.  Heaven forbid anyone in this house would want to take a shower without your brow-knitted scowl demanding that you also be included.  If we refuse, you lapse into a foot-stomping, teeth-gnashing flail fest.  Punching the iPad?  Shoving your plate on the floor because the strawberries are cut up?

Lady, I am damn particular about my food as well, but I do not negotiate with terrorists.

I get it, I get it.  She is testing her boundaries…  Trying to find her place in our little family unit.  Yes, that is great.  But blaming me when she farts?  Really?

After Nathan tucked her in the other night, she gave him a kiss.  “I love you, little lady,” he tells her.

“I love you, too, Daddy.”  Cue the heart-melting…  “Now go.”  She rolls over, sticks her thumb in her mouth and asks for me.

See?  Asshole, I tell you.

But, at the end of the day, she’s our little asshole.  And truth be told, she is very much her mother’s daughter.  If it means we come to blows over strawberries diced into manageably sized pieces, so be it.  From one a-hole to another, I love you, Al.

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Happy Birthday, Princess Christmas!

17 Tuesday Dec 2013

Posted by anotherbigbite in From the Kitchen, Party Hearty, The "Joy" of Parenting

≈ 1 Comment

Tags

alice, ariel cake, birthday party, cake decorating, marzipan, two year old

alice bday10

Sunday was Alice’s second birthday.  I love the kids’ birthdays, because I can do little things that make them SUPER excited because they are so young.  I’m not sure if Alice got what a birthday was before Sunday, but oh boy, she does now.

I started gearing up for our “party” on Saturday morning…  I baked a cake that Alice picked out in the baking aslie at the grocery store – because I am a cakemix kinda gal.  She didn’t care what flavor it was… Until she saw the strawberry one.

“PINK!” She pointed and gasped like she had never seen anything so wonderful in all her life.  She was actually petting the box the rest of the time we were in the store.

alicebday7

While Alice snoozed and the boys were out shopping on Saturday afternoon, I started to decorate the cake.  There is concise list of things that Alice goes bananas for; Ariel, ponies, elephants, horses.  Anything pink.  So Ariel it was.  I have spent lots of time toiling over fondant, but there was no way I was trying to gag that down again until I had tried the same process with marzipan.  Ariel was my guinea pig.  Sure, she wasn’t worthy of Ace of Cakes or anything, but Alice didn’t care.  Ariel, Flounder and Sebastian were perched atop her strawberry cake in less than an hour, and I was happy it was OVER.

Once the kids went to sleep, I got to hanging the $7 pack of gaudy Disney Princess decorations that Alice lost her mind over at Walmart.  Since we aren’t rolling in acquaintances here in C.Springs, parties are just the four of us.  Which doesn’t mean decorations and party plates aren’t in order.

alice bday7

Finn woke us up with his excited little self all nuts over Alice’s birthday decorations and impending present-opening.  He was more excited than she was.

alice bday8

Alice opened her presents from us in the morning, but as soon as we were done, I was ACHING to pull out the cake and open the rest of the presents.  Nathan obliged, because who doesn’t love cake for breakfast?

alice bday1

alice bday2

So, without pause, at eight in the morning, we lit two candles, sang Happy Birthday and set about pulling barbies and tiny teapots from their packages.  It was amazing.  Especially when the Ariel barbie from Mima was unwrapped.  Cue the squeals.

alice bday3

alice bday5

alice bday4

alice bday9

Finn was so happy for her; it was very sweet.  He helped wrapped the package he picked out for her, and set about cutting the ribbons off all the packages for her with his safety scissors.

We had taken the kids to see Frozen on Saturday for Alice’s birthday.  When we asked her where she wanted to go for lunch on Sunday, she promptly and very finally declared:

“Donalds.”

And so Chicken McNuggets were on the menu.  After a nap and lots of playtime with all her new lovlies, we packed up and headed to dinner.  Oh my god… How did she grow up so fast??

alice bday6

I cannot get over that it was two years ago that I went into the hospital, terrified that having the second baby was going to throw me back into another round of postpartum depression, but instead, I left happy and snuggly with little Alice.  She was such a good baby – one of THOSE babies, and now she is turning out to be so… so… Alice.

Happy Birthday, my little lady.  You are my very favorite daughter.  (Which I can say without any doubt – and say it proudly – since you are my only one.)

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